broken heart in valentine's day

i have spend this weekend with my friends, that's not bad i guess.
in fact, it's ok, really... well, it's better than the alternative, because it will never be the same spend the day with a boyfriend, than with a friend.

two months ago and a bit more, i had a boyfriend, or at least i thought i had a boyfriend; he so cute, so ... perfect at first sight, but later i discovered he was just a liar, hypocrite... let's no talk about that fucking (and fucked) son of a bitch.

let's talk about what happened after we broke up... i was so sad, disappointed, feeling used by this coward... and curiosly the man who support me and help me to get it over was the man whom i have loved most in my life. the good side of my broken up was that my ex and i became friends.

he told me he was looking for a couple too, but that's so hard to find, well, honestly i have never stopped loving him and when he said that, i felt illusioned...

this valentine's day he invited me to go out to a disco gay, that sounded good at the begining, but i realized he just consider me as a friend i asked him: "is it a date?" he answered: "oh no, it's not a date, we are only friends, no more... i had to say no... what were i supposed to do if i see him in the middle of the party kissing with someone else? or when he asks me "who do you like?".

i feel confused, i don't know, all that i know i am not ready to see him just as a friend, it hurts...

maybe there is none for me outside, even him; maybe it's truth and gay love doesn't exist in this city.

sorry, i am handsome?

saben, nunca pensé en mi mismo como un chico guapo... de hecho, pasé toda mi adolescencia pensando que era gordo y feo, sin atractivo para nadie.

pero cuando cumplí dieciocho años todo empezó a cambiar; empecé a hacer ejercicios como cualquier otro joven y mi cuerpo cambió a... digamos "algo mejor", pero mi cara permenació fea, o al menos para mí

estaba tan acostumbrado a mi cara, casi resignado; que no me di cuenta cuando cambió, no se como, quias solo crecí o envejeci un poco... fue para bien creo. recuerdo una vez que me miré al espejo y mi primer pensamiento fue: "bueno, yo soy tan feo después de todo".

pero... ¿ eso es bueno? quiero decir, lo disfruté por supuesto, y como un hombre gay fue excelente ser por un tiempo "el unico", atractivo, con buen cuerpo, fue divertido ser el centro de su atencion, pero...

no sé, tal vez porque solia ser feo, tal vez porque considero mi belleza un regalo y no algo con lo que nací, porque se lo que es estar en el otro lado; me aburri de ser uno de los gays mas deseados y trate de buscar un compañero real, un compañero de vida.

bueno, eso no es facil para nadie, lo sé; pero ultimamente estoy empezando a sentir que deberia disculparme por ser guapo... es decir, esto es una locura, ¿que esta pasando? cuando conozco a un chico, pero me doy cuenta que él solo esta buscando sexo, o es inmaduro y superficial... o simplemente no es para mí; le dejo saber de una manera educada que no estoy interesado.

"si no fueras guapo me estarias rogando para estar juntos", ha sido una de las últimas respuestas que he oido. estaba en shock; porque no te estoy rechazando por pensar que soy demasiado para tí; te estoy rechazando porque estoy buscando una relación seria y tu no ¿debo disculparme por eso?

si alguien feo rechaza a alguien, esta bien; quizás es un aburrido o loco, pero su decision es entendible porque esta buscando por algo más...

si alguien guapo rechaza a alguien... ¿eso significa que es un egocentrico hijo de puta que piensa que nadie es suficiente para él? ¿ debemos odiarlo por ello?

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you know, i never tought about myself as a cute guy... in fact, i spent all my teenagehood thinking i was ugly and fat, with no atractive to anybody...

but when i was eighteen everything started to change; i started to do exercises as every young else and my body turned into... let's say "something better" but my face kept remaining ugly, at least for me.

i was so accostumed to my face, almost resigned, that i didn't realize when it changed... i don't know how, maybe i just grew up and my face got older... that was for good i guess. i remember once when i looked up myself at the mirror and my first tought was "well, i am not so ugly after all".

but... is it so good? i mean, i enyoyed it, of course, and as a gay man it was nice to be for a while "the one", atractive, with a great body. it was fun to be the center of their attention, i can't deny it, but...

i don't know, maybe because i used to be ugly, maybe because i consider my beauty as a gift and not as something which i was born, because i know how it feels being in the other side, i get bored being one of the gay guys most wanted and i tried to get a real partner, a partner life.

well, that is not easy for anybody, i know, but lately i started to feel i should be sorry for being cute... i mean, this is crazy, what the hell is happening? when i meet a boy but i realize he is just looking for sex or he is inmature or superficial... or just not for me, i let him know in a well-mannered way, i am not interested...

"if you weren't cute you would be praying me to stay together" has been one of the last answers i have heard, i was shocked, because i am not rejected you because i think i am too much for you; i am rejecting you because i am looking for a serious relationship and you are not. do i have to apologize for that?

if someone ugly rejects somebody, that is ok, maybe he is kind of crazy or boring, but his decision is understandable because he is looking for something else...

if someone cute rejects somebody... that means he is an egocentric son of a bitch who think nobody is enough for him? should you hate him 'cause of that?